Rethinking Eye Contact in Autism: Connection Over Compliance
Is eye contact always necessary for connection?
For decades, eye contact has been viewed as a hallmark of social connection. Parents have often been encouraged to prompt it. Educators may use it as a sign of attention. And in many therapy settings, it’s still a common goal.
But what if eye contact isn’t always a sign of engagement — and for some, is actually a source of discomfort or distress?
Emerging research and the voices of autistic people are shifting how we understand eye gaze: not as a universal requirement, but as one of many ways people communicate and connect.
Why Eye Contact Can Be Difficult
Eye contact requires complex neurological, emotional, and cognitive processing. For many autistic individuals, direct gaze can feel intrusive, overstimulating, or even threatening.
“Looking into someone’s eyes can activate regions of the brain involved in emotional regulation, such as the amygdala.”
— Hadjikhani et al., 2017
In addition, trying to sustain eye contact while listening or speaking may overwhelm cognitive resources. A 2022 study by Moriuchi et al. found that autistic adults often perform better on verbal tasks when allowed to avert their gaze.
Looking away is often a self-regulation strategy—not a sign of disinterest.
The Problem with Forcing Eye Contact
Encouraging eye contact without regard to comfort can do more harm than good. Some individuals learn to mimic eye contact to avoid correction or gain approval—known as masking.
While it may appear socially appropriate, masking can be exhausting and inauthentic. Research has linked it to increased anxiety, depression, and burnout
(Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019; Livingston et al., 2020).
“Connection doesn’t come from forced gaze. It comes from trust.”
Imagine a young child who avoids looking at their teacher during a classroom activity. If the teacher insists on eye contact before allowing the child to speak or participate, the child may become anxious, confused, or emotionally withdrawn.
Over time, social interaction may feel more like a correctional task than a meaningful exchange.
Does Eye Contact Matter?
Eye contact can support communication in some contexts. It may help signal interest, regulate conversation, or express emotion. For some autistic individuals, learning to use eye gaze purposefully—when they choose to and with support—can be empowering.
But eye contact is not the only—or even the most important—way to connect. Humans bond through:
Shared activities
Physical presence
Tone of voice
Mutual enjoyment
We must also recognize that not everyone will develop—or should be expected to develop—eye contact as a reliable tool for communication.
As a society, our responsibility is twofold:
To offer respectful, individualized teaching strategies
To foster environments that value all forms of communication—not just those rooted in neurotypical norms
How to Encourage Eye Contact Naturally
Instead of demanding eye contact, we can create opportunities for it to happen organically and respectfully.
Strategies to Support Connection
Pause and wait. During a shared activity, pause and allow space for the child to look at you when they’re ready. For example, while walking hand-in-hand, stop gently. Wait silently. When the child glances up, smile warmly and continue walking.
Engage in shared play. Activities like peek-a-boo, rolling a ball, or building together naturally create moments of visual connection without pressure.
Model connection. Use your own face and gestures expressively. Get on the child’s level, be present, and let them come to you.
Acknowledge all forms of engagement. A child may be deeply connected even if they aren’t looking at you. Celebrate responses, proximity, and emotional attunement—not just eye gaze.
Conclusion: From Compliance to Connection
Eye contact can be valuable, but it should never be forced.
Some autistic individuals may choose to build comfort with eye gaze for specific social or professional goals, and that choice should be respected.
As our understanding evolves, so should our teaching — from rigid drills to responsive, relationship-based strategies that still support skill-building when it aligns with the child’s needs.
Supporting authentic connection means respecting how each person engages with the world. For some, learning eye contact in meaningful, supported ways may help with specific goals. For others, avoiding eye contact is a self-protective and valid choice.
Ultimately, our role is not to enforce a single “right” way to connect, but to help each person find their own way. Teaching social engagement is most powerful when it’s rooted in trust, flexibility, and respect—not compliance.
As we shift our lens and honor neurodiversity, we create a world where all forms of connection are not only accepted but celebrated.
References
Hadjikhani, N., et al. (2017). Look me in the eyes: Constraining gaze in the eye-region provokes abnormally high subcortical activation in autism. Scientific Reports.
Moriuchi, J. M., et al. (2022). Reduced gaze during social tasks is associated with better performance in verbal communication tasks in autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders.
Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders.
Livingston, L. A., Shah, P., & Happé, F. (2020). Compensation in autism: A review of theory and evidence. Trends in Cognitive Sciences.
